There are some Sundays, no matter how early I’ve woken up and earnestly I’ve tried, getting out the side door to church is as easy as…well, it’s just plain hard. Those are usually the days I end up driving behind a tractor with double yellow lines down the road, a little girl with an attitude in the backseat, and the discovery in my rearview mirror that I only did makeup on one eye. Living in America, being married to a pastor, I look at these things as “little foxes that nip at the vine” (Song of Solomon 2:15). Trivialities of frustration that can easily mount in number and steal the fruit that the Holy Spirit wants to produce in my life. Well, this Sunday was that kind of Sunday.
After I slid breathless into a back pew, I opened a particular Bible I hadn’t brought to church in nearly four years. In my flurry getting out the door, I had forgotten to grab my study Bible upstairs, so I saw this one close and grabbed it. There in the center of it, like a note from heaven, was a letter I desperately needed to read.
Like a scene out of a movie when there’s a flashback, I remembered everything about penning this prayer to the Lord one year ago. I remembered my struggles, confusion, hidden sorrow, physical pain, and childlike cries to my Father. I even remembered where I was sitting in the sanctuary.
I’m going to share my private prayer with you in hopes that it has some kind of hidden value to someone, some where. And also to convey, God hears every word we speak, reads every word we write, understands every emotion we can’t express, and answers every request with what’s best for us. In just minutes, my flustered, frustrated, weary, mind, body and spirit were settled as a child is quieted by the loving hushes of a parent. Forgive the grammatical errors and emotional bent…I’m leaving it as raw as I wrote it. Unedited…but obviously read from heaven.
“Looking at the clarity and beauty of the blue skies, my thoughts breathe to the Lord, “I crave to know truth in my life.” Truth is clear, brilliant, wisdom and eternal. It stands independent and indestructible in power against every lie that comes in opposition. There are clouds so thick splattered across the canvas of my mind and perspective right now, that truth’s revelation is shrouded in grays and hues of blue.
I am so tiny in my own sight and understanding. So minutely finite and fractured. As fragile as a blade of grass and as resilient as vapor. So how can one, who is less than a grain of wheat in significance, behold the ways of what is BEST in the life of myself or any other human being?
You, my God, are the Sun and the Light of life. You are all knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. You are infinite, omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. Thank You that You are not only magnificent, excellent, and reign supreme in all matters of life…but You love indescribably. Your love is boundless, effortless, and complete. But it is resistible…forgive me for all resistance. I know not what I do.
But I need Your wisdom. I need Your clarity and truth right now. Dissipate these clouds that obscure Your truth and cause me to know the way I should go, for as Your word says, it is not in me to know the way I should take. Speak to me or light my path: in ministry, with my health, with my friendships, with my child, with my perspective of Your ways and will.” Amen.
After I read this and lingered…I folded the paper and thanked Him in ways I did not write, but assuredly knew He heard.